Pt 31: The Rester

Tempted to stop along the trail of life, I found myself giving in to the draw of a slothful existence. Letting myself down with a tremendous thump I sat and rested upon a grassy knoll and was content. Hours passed, days, years. An epoch came and went and all that came with it passed me upon my grassy knoll. My existence and identity as The Rester keeping me bound in place. Never progressing, never improving. NEVER. What a word. To not ever. From here to infinity not being, not doing. Time stretching thin moving onward but never for me. As I sat now uncomfortably not doing anything to relieve my discomfort for I had now taken on the never that dominated my life as an identity. I was never going to improve I would never be more than the never had made me, which is to say nothing. I had become a stranger to myself. I was scared of the nothing I had become and felt that I would need to be better to become the me that was. Though I wouldn't be more than what the never said I would be. And there I stayed.

Then, a sound more pure than had ever passed before came and invaded my space of nothing. This song, a plan and it's owner, determination personified. A strength, the never could never be, came swelling into my nothingness and with a great lethargic push I heaved my lumbering form out of the doldrums and from off my grassy knoll I had inhabited for so long. Time starts, the world lurches, and my ability to continue on is found. Eve the song ringing in my ears. Determination at my side keeping me forward. Her voice pure, her face fair Determination keeps me on a path of being the never having fallen at the wayside. Now time continues and I follow, I push on, I live.

Pt 30: The Memory

Tuesday June 14th, 2016
7:19 am (7 3/7 hours of sleep)

Tashna Duroxi couldn't feel her toes. Sleeping in the box car was proving more and more perilous as the seasons changed. She would need to do find some other arrangements. Perhaps one with actual blankets and maybe a fire.

As she sat there massaging her feet attempting to bring back circulation, she felt something, some knowledge, sitting at the back of her mind just out of reach. She wracked her brain. What was it? She felt it was important. Something having to do with a purpose in life. Was it a childhood aspiration? The piece of information slunk further back into the shadowy recesses of her mind. Ah well, it couldn't be helped at the moment and she wasn't going to bring herself to the edge of madness to figure it out. Besides, she had other problems than a bad memory. Her brother wouldn't speak to her anymore. Being an outcast of society did that to a person. It didn't matter that they were each other's final remaining relatives. Now that she was and had been homeless for... how long had she been homeless? It must have been a while as she couldn't rightly remember.

Feeling frustrated with herself and with blood returning to her toes, Tashna got up to her feet and hobbled over to the train station where her car was permanently parked. There Hurio Nipter the night watchman and closest thing Tashna had to a friend sat reading, as usual. As Tashna approached Hurio he placed his book to the side, a look of concern playing across his face.

"You need to sleep somewhere safer, my friend."

A faint smile passed across her lips as she dropped herself down next to him on the bench.

"You're right. I do need to get out of here. I need a job though. Is your security company hiring?"

"What, you want to sit here and watch for ruffians like yourself?"

"Well, I'm just looking for options."

Hurio let out a sigh and gave a deep nod.

"Well, it's probably time you got back to your box car. I'll bring a blanket around if I find one."

Something about Hurio's last statement made Tashna tense up. The thing sitting in her mind danced about wanting to be found yet still out of reach. Frustration and anger welled up inside her and with one fluid precise motion she pinned Hurio to the wall lifting him ever so slightly off the ground. Hurio's eyes went wide grabbing his walky talky he yelled, " Safe words were ineffective. Subject is on the loose without a han..." Tashna swung a fist around knocking the man unconscience with a blow to his temple. Stepping away from her supposed friend she knew she needed to find out what was going on. She ran off into the night.

Post 29: The Virus

Monday June 13th, 2016
6:31 am (6 1/2 hours of sleep)

Turtle down lovers walked silently along the river. Never had one so urgently been placed along paths and byways to intercept knowledge kept for other men. Hampered by their own declarations of love, those from the Palisades could never go beyond just a courtship phase in life.

Trailing urgently behind the rest, Tvlakthin never could find someone to accept his somewhat abrasive personality. Only the duchess would appreciate someone with his particular character flaws and she was much his superior. No, they could never be. He would live a life alone wandering from petty interest to even more empty pursuit. Thoughts of melancholy possibilities would leap unbidden to his mind. It was time to pursue another one of the sciences. Those seemed to always take his mind off of his unused heart.

He gathered several books of various branches within the sciences studying each in turn until he felt himself gravitate to one particular pursuit. This time he would study microbiology. The world of the miniscule was of particular interest to him.

After months locked away in extensive study of what lay beyond the naked eye, he found within his collection of microbes and viruses, a particularly virulent strain of the kluthbrek virus. Deadly if directly exposed to any part of the body, the kluthbrek virus had been known to kill a grown and healthy person within days of initial infection. How Tvlakthin hadn't caught it himself before it's discovery, he didn't know.

After much cultivation by building up the viruses natural defenses against the medicinal, Tvlakthin decided it was time to leave his legacy. If he couldn't know the love of another then no one could.

After carefully bottling up the means to everyone's end, he set out for the large city of Delthekin. It would be in the center of the city's market, cultural hub of the planet, that Tvlakthin would release what had consumed all of his time of late.

After throwing the glass canister through the crowd and watching the thing break, Tvlakthin made a hasty retreat. He didn't stop running until he arrived at his hermetically sealed laboratory and had locked himself inside. There was enough food and clean water for him to wait out the destruction of all he had ever known.

A time and some passed. Was it years? Was it decades? He had no idea, not being particularly fond of schedules or calendars there would no way for him of knowing. Debating with himself the effectiveness of the virus he spent days and weeks yelling at nothing but the thin recycled air. Finally, he decided. It was time to see what had become of it all.

Bypassing safety protocols and opening his great steel hatch with shaking hands, he emerged out in to a cool crisp autumn evening. He knew not of what lay ahead.

Pt 28: Flimsy and Pretty Stupid

Sunday June 12th, 2016
7:28 am (5 7/8 hours of sleep)

Bolstering the defenses of our people would be essential in order for our continued survival. The Qualidoths were coming and they would take no prisoners. What our people need is another hero to bolster their hopes and dreams. What they need is for someone to help save those around them.

Cat salesmen are the corner stones of our local economy. Continuing their efforts would help boost the war effort. Romance as well would help our continued survival. Hiding in the cereal aisle of the supermarket would give us the chance at a last stand. The sugary carbs contained within the pulpy cardboard boxes would prove to be an effective out if all went south.

Feeling forced to make more of his cosmic dolls, Ryan Blomquist found he never made his own decisions in life. This would prove to be his final hour. His grandchildren would wonder how they existed in the first place as the cosmic dolls were flimsy and pretty stupid.

What kind of ice cream loving monster would leave a woman to fend for herself in the face of a horde of manticores? Tune in next time to find out!

Previously on Terry's Got a Gun.

Malana: "You can't do this to me Laquisha!"

Laquisha: "I don't have a choice Malana! He's going to impersonate my long dead husband!"

Malana: "No! How could he when I'm standing right here?"

Laquisha: "Trey? Is that really you standing there, hunny?"

Malana: "I thought you were dead!"

Trey: "I had to fake my death to find Malana's true intentions."

Laquisha: "Malana, what is he talking about?"

Malana: "I'm sorry Laquisha. I didn't want you to find out this way."

Laquisha: "What did you do?!"

Malana: "I may have killed your second husband and his doctor to get at your millions but then you met Trey who ended up being a genuinely nice guy. However, when he supposedly died I figured I still had a chance at the money."

Laquisha: "What? That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I declared bankruptcy a few days ago."

Malana: "Oh, well... this is awkward."

Laquisha: "Isn't it though?"

Malana: "Yeah, I think I'm going to go."

Trey: "Yeeeeeaaaah, me too."

Pt 27: Fantastic Hemispheres

Saturday June 11th, 2016
7:23 am (6 hours of sleep)

A spring chicken lights up the room with intense precision.

"It's time to meet the other transients" Imogen muttered. Something in the atmosphere shifted and a field of hyper magnetism kicked into high gear creating a giant metal ball of glittering doom.

By following two simple rules of the road, a man was able to save twenty something fake rubber chickens from certain death. It was time to take back the level of artistry that had disappeared in recent years.

Time was short. Nobody in the world could make it shorter than Fast Forward Freddy. The man could speed up time. Talented though he was, the people in his vicinity would all die the sooner if he decided to use his gift at that point in time.

Fantastic Hemispheres is one of the hits of teen pop sensation, The Glitter Bombs.

Total relocation was necessary to bring most people to a safe zone as this part of the planet was ready to break off. This would cause a chain reaction of misunderstanding among the elite class as they scrambled to find a safe zone and ultimately failed miserably.

Time and again the temptation to just cut the drapes in the royal palace of finery and drabble drables. It was time to move. Changing locations and possibly names might not help as time was growing short and nobody had any idea of where to go.

Time and again they stood there waiting to follow their passions and weird obsessions. Only those that knew to know could know what they knew as nobody else would.

Finally a person could stand to lose a few inches. "Normal" people were something of an anomaly to most of the freaks of the underneath. How could Sammy have known what kind of person was left on the brink of discovery only to back away due to a feeling of familiarity and safety? How could it be that "every man for himself" created a cohesive unit of mass hysteria and chaos? It was as if the very phrase brought people together to work towards a singular goal of complete and utter disarray.

Pt 26: The Spire

Friday June 10th, 2016
8:27 am (6 5/8 hours of sleep)

Jutting like a spear tip aimed toward the heavens, the Bureaucratic Spire loomed ahead waiting for me. I was late for my appointment with this realities grounds keeper. I had a matter of universal security to discuss with her. At least that was the story that got me the appointment.

Built with granite and marble, the inside of The Spire was depressingly similar to many of the Universal Management & Maintenance buildings I had seen and subsequently destroyed. It turns out most alternate universes were, but for slight differences, the exact same. While yet others were completely and frighteningly different. It would seem the universe that housed The Spire was one of the "normal" universes. I would have no remorse for the destruction of this reality.

The grounds keeper's personal assistant met me in the lobby and with no more than a cursory glance to my person proceeded to escort me further up and in to that bureaucratic nightmare. Short cubicles crammed in to tight office spaces with workers sitting shoulder to shoulder drudging along in their near slave labor of filing and stamping.

After a few floors and more depressed people than I ever care to see, the Personal Assistant left me standing outside an unassuming door marked with nothing more than the interdimensional symbol for custodial and maintenance of the universe. After less than an hour but more than twenty minutes, the door swung open and a voice like a mouse ushered me forth.

The High Custodian Mistress Ballia Turonga, as was her full title, sat behind a panel inset to her desk. The panel looked remarkably similar to the one I had interacted with on my first adventure in the back rooms of reality so many universes ago. It had all manners of buttons, levers, lights, and other pieces of mechanical instrumentation and was going about its merry way with just some guidance from The Mistress.

She sat there, an eye of disapproving appraisal cast over me as she asked me the nature of the emergency that brought me forth. Not very many people were supposed to know of the Ministry of Universal Management & Maintenance. My reply came, as I took a small step with each word. Having heard my concocted impending disaster and found it lacking, she shook her head and lightly pressed a button labeled 'security'.

I knew I didn't have much time. Shooting forward and shoving Mistress Turonga over, I looked for that unlabeled lever. Though I had found in many other realities with many other panels that the color changed, there was always an unlabeled lever which would spell certain doom for whichever reality housed it. With searching eyes I finally came across it, the color of forest green. Putting my entire bodily weight into the switching of that lever, a familiar light changed the colors of the room and that cacophonous roar upon rising up, put a smile on my lips. As emotions drained from the room, the Mistress screamed at me, the sounds of which never reached my ears. I let out a hearty laugh as the universe collapsed around me. I was one step closer to home.

Pt 25: House Gnomes

Thursday June 9th, 2016
8:11 am (3 7/8 hours of sleep)

Why must one be woken? Why must one be roused?

Alarms rose within my head. The lord of the house had been slain and a new governor was to be appointed. Tommy Twelve Mist Toes was livid with translucent excitement. It had been far too long since Vilacuddra had been to work in the outlying provinces. Slightly aroused and not the least bit confused, I found information fleeting and not at all helpful.

Taken by masters of unseen force, Pellin felt her fate was not entirely her own. Deadly pantomimes had found everything there was to know about her cart's inner workings. Not one but two officers had been missing of late.

Had it really taken me this long to realize the game that was afoot? What kinds of people could you muster these days? Loyal people of good standing willing to go to the grave with your secrets? How many men had claimed as such? Why were the killings persisting?

No answers came as I called out for a friend in the night. What kinds of people was I making alligences with?

Terry Bufont had the scuttling wariness and beady eyes of a crayfish. He would definitely be one of the first to betray me.

Eva Langorum was a conniving young thing. Though how much physical torture she would be able to withstand, I do not know. Not much, is my assumption.

The Templetons had several court wizards at their disposal. This would give them the chance of holding out well after the riots had started. Though it was just a matter of time until they too were captured or executed.

Tommy Treakleman was an exceptional gambler and quite the spirited liar. He had the greatest chance of escape from the rebellion's trappings. He would be the man I would choose to bring my secret forward unto a new world.

The house gnomes of Prelen Prix't would prove difficult to ignore. However, some salt and a good eye for change could bring any short mythical creatures down.

Pt 24: Midgarden

Wednesday June 8th, 2016
9:16 am (8 1/3 hours of sleep)

ports 'port glasses of port upon a winding path. Plenty of pontification pales possibly powerful potters.

The mountain of Midgarden was the seat of power for Salacious B Crumb and his forces. Salacious had become quite the powerful warlord. This made the people of Haladox VII exceedingly nervous and altogether uncomfortable.

Haladox VII was a flat but beautiful planet with only one lone snow capped tree covered mountain. This mountain, the mountain of Midgarden, was the planet's most holy site. Midgarden spawned a pantheon of heroes and God's who fought relentlessly for the title of Ruler of Midgarden.

When Salacious landed on planet and learned of these histories and myths he gathered a crew and took the mountain, in a well coordinated assault, for himself. At first the locals were deeply offended and tried to take their holy site back from the off-worlder. After having their efforts repulsed several times, they prayed that a new hero would arise and rid their holy site from the invading gang.

A portly gentleman by the name of Harold Phleming found he could no longer support his twenty-three year old son once he had lost his job. His son Theodore Phleming was an out of work microbiologist with dreams of becoming a legendary lover. However, his inability to speak to anyone was a frustrating roadblock in life. He had once been given the opportunity to work past his fears but he was frustratingly comfortable in his solitude and decided it was easier to just stay where he was. Now that he was being kicked out of the house he needed to work through his comfortable ineptitudes and actually grow. Theodore decided to travel far and wide as a silent transient finding odd jobs to support himself in his travels.

Eventually Theodore found himself on a planet with one lone mountain that turned out to be quite the disputed territory. After spending time with the locals and learning of the source of their fears, he decided to check out the lone earthy spire and it's current denizens.

Theodore infiltrated the forest at the base of the mountain with ease and found himself within a compound built in the side of Midgarden itself. It seemed Salacious and his crew had been attempting to deforest the mountain but had been struck by a series of mysterious set backs. Theodore realized if he acted the role of "guardian spirit of the forest" he could scare away the superstitious gang.

After a week of destroying the efforts of Salacious' crew and allowing them to glimpse him every now and then the spirits of the crew were falling drastically. After a month, the crew was just about ready to leave.

Half way into his second month of subterfuge, Theodore had caused several gang members to desert. The remaining men thought Salacious an idiot for coming in the first place and chained their old boss to a large galithian tree as means of a tribute to the forest. Salacious freed himself that night and made haste to the nearest space port. His crew already gone, no one was left in the forest but Theodore.

The people of Haladox VII finding out the truth, declared Theodore their hero and new Ruler of Midgarden. Theodore's rule was heralded as one of the most just and quiet reigns ever to grace the mountain side.

Pt 23: Bling Master

Tuesday June 7th, 2016
7:06am (4 3/4 hours of sleep)

Willing Will to wile a while, was nothing of a sanity kick. Tranquing was the answer the judge was looking for. If I hadn't known better, I would have said the walls were shrinking. Thankfully, hammers weren't the worst people one was ever going to meet for tea and lighter refreshments. All in all, this made the count a very nervous nellie.

Taxing the poor to build his super plex, the king of Tunisia ended up building the smallest super plex in the world. I guess taking money I guess taking money from poor people didn't pay that well.

Jerry Simon was quite the Bling Master. This meant he could manipulate the physical properties of wealth. It has always been considered one of the rarest forms of wizardry. Jerry had been gifted the title and powers of Bling Master as a youth by the traveling bigger Shaharsafasha. Only on his 15th birthday did Jerry feel competent enough to use his power regularly in public.

Taking issue with issue #43 of Taku Maku Man was Geraldine's only way of getting even with her ex-lover and sole creator of Taku Maku Man, Tanzo Horizama.

Taking cues from his great aunts, Philip Kim found that being manipulative was the source of his power. Zero cares of how that made everyone else feel, was issued to the Order of Meh. Taking sides was the hardest thing anyone could have done in the hopes of being fond of geese.

Puce people made Billy a little nauseous. He didn't mean anything personal and absolutely didn't mean for it to be a racial issue but he would just be hit by a wave of nausea.

Being queasy was a life style choice enjoyed by the denizens of Foulantia. While standing on angry badgers and hives of infuriated bees was a life style choice of Gary Filander of Portabolagnia. If anyone told him of the dangers his life style had on himself and the people around him, he would scream at them for acts of discrimination against action men.

Terry lay in bed wondering if he had passed on or if he still owed Tommy fifty bucks.

Pt 22: The Lady

Monday June 6th, 2016
8:12 am (6 1/2 hours of sleep)

Fighting for freedom, a slave to my own base needs, I stumbled on with a hope of finding some semblance of respite from myself. Quests didn't often take the form this one seemed to have. I had been awoken in the middle of the night by a sharp rapping of knuckles on my door. My great grandmother had shuffled down the hall to my bedroom declaring her need for ice cream.

I found myself half asleep, wishing for a full night's rest, stumbling down the streets of Carhatia looking for a late night shop with ice cream in stock. I felt as though I needed a troll to slay and a soft bed to rest. I approached Old Man Fizzlei at his nightly post to enquire of a late night sweet shop when I saw her. The Maiden of Lake Carhatia wandering the streets just as I. She was a beautiful creature though her reclusive nature and dwelling far from civilization meant she was rarely spotted by any other than the old watch himself. Captured as her beauty was in the moonlight, there came a quest of my own playing out upon my heart. This quest, to discover the nature of such a forlorn existence of so fair a being. Why would she forsake humanity to dwell by the cursed waters of that lake? Upon asking Old Man Fizzlei all he knew, he gave me but a simple warning. To forsake all inquisitive feelings of that fair young woman.

The nightly mists grew more and more deadening any sounds and casting them silently to the darkest parts of night. Any light reflecting off of her seemed to shimmer through the mists, piercing through the darkest shadows and planting themselves deeply within my being. I wanted to know her. I needed to know the truth of who she had been and who she had come to be. Her beauty emboldened me with a courage I had never experienced and with it, I followed her.

After some time of wandering the streets through the thick swirling fog, she saw me and immediately gave a spirited chase. Through the winding streets she retreated leading me back to the lake. The waters still, dark, and foreboding with fog hanging just above so thick you could not see the far shore.

I had lost sight of her but knew her dwelling must be near. After skirting the edge of the lake, I came across a cave obscured from the road. Dark, damp, and musty the cave gave me a feeling of retreat. However, the need to know my jewel of the night was a far greater sensation, so I pressed on.

I wondered how long it might take for her to make amends with civilization so I may bring her home and care for her. My thoughts drifted to adventures through life we would share and of a history we would create together. When, letting out a cry of terror, I found the long decomposed remains of a young woman resting among the rocks just past the mouth of the cave.

I started to make my way from the cave saddened and shocked by my discovery, when out from the recesses of that gaping earthy maw came a  dark form which barreled me over into the shallows of the lake. Cold hands clutched my throat forcing my head beneath the surface. I struggled and thrashed wildly about, expending much effort. Though the being resting upon my chest would not be moved. I gazed up through the water as life left my body and saw the face of death itself looming over me.

Now, if you find yourself wandering through the misty streets at night and down upon that shore, you will hear a weeping and calling. For my lady love is bound to the town and cave where she was slain. While I am bound somewhere deeper in need of a friend.

Pt 21: Shock and Awe

Sunday June 5th, 2016
7:14 am (4 2/3 hours of sleep)

"Shock and awe" isn't what I would call Barry Manilow's music. My grandmother always did have one active imagination. "Timing could have been better" said the wizard of the clock. Bags and bags of oodles and oodles were all that was left of the shopping mall after the gas leak left everything whining and wanting more.

Taken over by a mad man, the TGIF's staff feared for their lives and paychecks. Twisted in the moment of truth I found nothing but lies come tumbling out of my face. Leaving much and more being made up and not quite enough of what comprised "truth" in this reality was said. She didn't need to know that. She didn't need to know I had discovered odd markings of aubergine and puce running, and I mean running, up and down my arm. It made it difficult to read, this constantly shifting and transient wording. In all likelihood it's a warning of this realities great enchanter. There always seems to be at least one great enchanter in any given universe.

Two for one deals leave nothing but the misery of the hunt in the minds of young men.

Newt was a very good thief. He knew what kind of trades one could get in the wars that destroyed his home. Unfortunately there wasn't much left of a after those cataclysmic years. So he reverted to taking other people's stuff. Donalingus was the worst disease one could get in his home town. Were you to catch it, you would be forced to tell the truth and make your confessions known in front of everybody. Then your kidneys would shut down. Nobody thought it was good. Nobody except The Ministry of Truth who, for a season, used it as a means of interrogation. Nowadays people in the ministry were just looking for replacements for their kidneys.

Taken for granted, Seilana found her greatest strength in life didn't come from anybody else but from herself. Whoever she thought she was, was who she presented herself to be. Nobody could make her think otherwise.

Pt 20: Civil Duty

Saturday June 4th, 2016
9:30 am (8 hours of sleep)

The bunny brigade squadron #9 was the hippiest and hoppiest of the wartime bunny squads. Sheri Duboui made sure her land holdings never got into her brother's clutches. She knew exactly how to stare off into nothingness like the rest of her gal pals.

Tame shrews were harder to come by than one expected them to be. Shakespeare had brought a revolution to the rodent taming business with a special emphasis on shrews. However, it's died down a bit as of late. Harry Houdini was a master shrew tamer. He would travel the world taming shrews. He came to it naturally but his father disapproved of his taming habits.

Tagglin Feire was a wee man who sat on stumps. He thought it his civil duty and took it very seriously. That is, until he deigned to sit on the Queen's stumps. Royal stumps are not to be touched let alone sat upon. He was thrown into The Tower of London for six days and twelve nights.

Barbara Streisand feels no compassion for the tiny man in apartment eight. She once found him eating with his hands to which there was great screaming.

Tiles are the textile equivalent to a bacon wrapped peach cobbler in some cultures. Bacon wrapped peach cobbler being the premier place of business classes in the upper west side.

Wonder Woman was created by a polygamist. Well, more of a bohemian with a wife and girlfriend having all of them live together. That is actual fact.

Chances are you'll never slay a dragon or punch a manticore so you'll never be quite as cool as Surias Dumph Puncher of All Things Mythical. He once punched a dragon in the mouth so hard it's kidneys ruptured. So... yeah.

Thomas the Tank Engine never saw the apocalypse coming. He did, however, thrive in it's harsh conditions. "Kill or be killed" was Thomas' motto and he followed it to the letter no matter the circumstances. Trains will do that, you know. First sign of trouble and they go feral, taking down anyone they come across.

Pt 19: Flanders Peak

Friday June 3rd, 2016
9 am (6 3/4 hours of sleep)

The octopus of Flanders Peak sat atop it's tempest worn domain. It surveyed all those scrambling up the side of it's mountain; the so called heroes. Among those brave enough to fight the beast was a swarthy swashbuckler named Reise. Reise had rescued more damsels and slayed more monsters than he could recollect. He had even rescued a couple monsters and slayed a fair few maidens. "Whatever the situation called for" is what he always said.

Peter Poodle Lover and his brigade of battle poodles seemed to be in attendance along with Jeremy Strickler Tamer of The Augnoot Army. The augnoot is a small hairy creature of such guile and cunning that all the people's of the land dreaded what would happen if they were able to put aside their egos and band together. Well, quite a few augnoots thinking they could do just that got together to raze the country side. Unfortunately for the augnoots they found it incredibly difficult to follow another of their own species. So during a time of great in-fighting they decided they would follow the next being they came across. It just so happened that a young boy of the age of twelve happened along down the path presently resided by the augnoot army. After many campaigns under Jeremy's leadership, the augnoot army was not quite what they once were but Jeremy was confident that slaying this fabled beast would rally more to his army.

Also among the ranks of heroes was Merrida the Magnificent Subduer of the great cat uprising and Swillow the Meek who was more a chronicler of great deeds and was frequently seen in the presence of heroes. The lesser wizard Deigel Cantrip Wielder was also among their number. As was Tom Bombadil whose knowledge of how the natural world works allowed him to jump from universe to universe.

All these heroes and more scaled the side of Flanders Peak step by step all coming to try their mettle. That is except Tom who just wanted a spot of tea with the octopus.

The great cephalopod readied itself for conflict when suddenly and seemingly from nowhere at all, a hole tore open in the very air above the peak. What came from the hole was entirely unexpected by the onlookers. A woman in a long white coat accompanied by a chair came squelching into a mud hole. She lay unconscious and totally still with all eyes on her.

Pt 18: The Element

Thursday June 2nd, 2016
9:12 am (8 1/2 hours of sleep)

The discovery of yet another element was such an exciting prospect to Dr Brikenhauser that he had quite forgotten to check on the stability of his new element. Brikonium, as he would name it, would prove to be a most interesting element indeed. As he danced about the lab unfastening the cork from a bottle of champagne and pouring the bubbly liquid into his lab assistant's out held glass, everything grew completely still. The champagne poured like molasses and movement became quite difficult. It was as if the element in it's moment of decay was draining the kinetic energy from the room to stay intact.  The effect was that movement in the element's vicinity would keep it's bond much longer and much more intensely.

Dr Brikenhauser deduced as much and set his assistant to building a machine with as many moving parts as she possibly could. Given the resources around them and a lack of an engineering degree between either of them, the machine turned out cruder than hoped for yet still effective in it's purpose. Though the building of it was difficult indeed with the Brikonium's effect. Whilst putting the finishing touches to their machine while dancing about to keep the Brikonium alive, they noticed the element started to vibrate slightly.

Their kinetic machine now functional with no clear purpose other than to create as much kinetic energy as possible was dubbed 'The Kinetifier'. Though moving the crank and moving themselves grew more and more difficult due to the absorbing effect of the lump of Brikonium, they persisted. The lump of Brikonium started vibrating more intensely while also absorbing it's own movements perpetuating it's own cycle. Suddenly, emanating from within. A deep ultraviolet light brought scrawlings across the wall in a language that neither of them knew. They supposed it must be an ancient dialect of Armenian as these things always seemed to be.

While the doctor and his assistant set about to record the text, the element's continued movements seemed to have yet another effect on itself. The sound in the room distorted in strange ways. Pitches changed and frequencies shifted at will. It was as if sound too was being absorbed by the element.

As the vibrations grew so did the intensity of the light and the distortion of sound until... There was a flash of blinding yet dark ultraviolet light as the element exploded with all the energy it had been fed. Though due to the continued absorbing effect, the explosion seemed to both be an explosion and more menacingly, an implosion. This was the worst case scenario. A singularity had formed in his laboratory. Dr Brikenhauser noted the only things being pulled toward the singularity were he and his assistant. It seemed only organic tissue, movement, and sound were affected by the singularity's pull. The doctor felt his feet slowly fly out from under him and as he hurtled toward the singularity, he pondered all the actions that brought him to this point. Cause and Effect. He would have chuckled if he had the mind to. However, he didn't seem to have a mind for anything as his screams tore from his throat and headed first into that sucking unknown.

His assistant had tried to not fall in by holding a chair but had just dragged the thing with her. She disappeared past the event horizon. The doctor wondered whether he would ever see her again. This, however was the last thing he thought in our plain of existence as he fell headlong into the void.

Without organic tissue, sound, or movement to keep the singularity stable, it collapsed. The pages of ancient text and a missing chair being the only evidence of anything ever happening.

Pt 17: And Their

Wednesday June 1st, 2016
8:43 am (6 hours of sleep)

Terribly Tiring Teddy was the worst twenty-three year old in a diaper. His old school marm left when he turned 6. So he never knew how to properly act or behave.

Tenaciously gifted salamanders eat nothing but broccoli stems for a few years. Jill was done with her stay at home level of care. She was going to be a free mom! So after showing her two year old how to vacuum, she took off for lands unknown.

Teddy bears are just memorials to a dead president's trophies. Totally mistakable for me, Hendrixson left after a waiter did just that.

Suzy Dillonis decided enough was enough and threw her computer at her brother's face. Marcus Dillonis didn't see it coming. Nor would he ever see anything coming ever again.

Space plants are varied and supremely blessed to be in existence. Some seem to be herbivores. Plant eating plants prey upon the weakest of all plant species, the lichen. Ant soldiers march upon the people of Texas to reclaim their land.

Supposing the earth was elliptical or a möbius strip, we wouldn't be able to concentrate on our work due to the utterings of mad men going on about how the planet is round.

"Goodness gracious!" Yelled the lady in pink.
"Watch where you put your face!" Cried the man in blue.

Rumbling hills of linguini yell sweet nothings to the sky above. Only after two would you too be available for a fun afternoon session of tea cakes.

Left wing eagles and their right wing cousins need to hold onto each other to stay in the air. Solar panels are selfish sun swilling pigs. Hooting ravenously at the owl, Jed Hopkins decided he wanted to be a flea instead.

Drone monkeys are the most technologically deficient of the drone family. Felix Durant left his keys in his brother's mother's dog's house. Unfortunately, the pup wouldn't let him pick them up so he had to move.

Pt 16: Properly Donked

Tuesday May 31st, 2016
8:32 am (6 1/4 hours of sleep)

Jingling in the pocket of a clown, I sat wondering how I had gotten there. Gary Lamar ate nothing but cigarette butts for a week upon which he decided it to be a poor dietary choice. The tobacco companies would miss his patronage. Where for art the artists? When might they be returning? What has happened to the people of Swintch that they would be nothing more than a bad jolly boy in the prime of his life?

Sweden left nothing up to the imagination when they became the harbinger of the end times. Where might these end times be? You silly bungalo! I just told you! Sweden! Time and again the times of another being is sometimes too much for a Trembalo to manage. These creatures know nothing of managing ones own time. So they make it their business to steal other people's. What life might have been like without them constantly stealing the time from the rest of us.

Some people like to donk up their lives with the intent to never undonk it. These people usually like to try and donk other lives once theirs has been properly donked. These people should be taught proper undonking procedures to help with their lives.

"When will the Vibromanx be ready for production?"
"When we have the patents available."
"What would we need to do to see this thing through?"
"Think happy thoughts for at least two hours daily."
"See, I thought it took more than that these days."
"Naw, man. That's about all their is to it."
"Well I hope production goes well for you."
"As with you, my bartifelinx trantoriss."
"Shalom"
"Shalom"

"Guuuuuuurl, you be seeing things in hypermax 3D again haven't cha?"
"No I have not my good man. No I have not."

Twirling for the glory of the space needle was nothing to scoff at. Killing time was.

"Lame excuses for a third eye wearing manx loving hug feeling fairy mongering twit!" yelled the butcher to his best customer Mrs O'Donovan. Mrs O'Donovan used to be in the anti alien league on Dorovish Prime. So she understood the sacrifices it took to truly be racist against off-worlders.

"Fantasy football has nothing to do with dragons!" yelled little Billy Ponix at his mother. She had only asked whether he wanted steak or slime for dinner and truly didn't know her son. Billy would grow up to be the head coach of the first professional football team to eat the other during the game. This was due to the fact that he had fielded only dragons. Turns out their are no official rules in football against fielding mythical creatures.

Pt 15: The Panel

Monday May 30th, 2016
8:26 am (7 hours of sleep)

Tumbling through forever, I found I couldn't speak. I had found myself along passages of time and space long since forgotten by the children of the infinite. What seemed like eons and millenia adrift along corridors and passages, I came upon a door labeled "maintenance". How I managed to open said door I cannot say but I know one thing is for certain. I should never have crossed the mantle of that ill fated room.

It seemed like a natural boiler room. All except the far end had a large panel with all sorts of buttons, dials, levers, and many colored blinking lights. All of these seemed to be labeled with some function of the universe from causing rain to fall to creating planets and other celestial bodies. I would have had to exhibit a level of self control I knew in my wanderings of the infinite, I had long since lost.

I approached the panel all aglow with thoughts and ideas of what this might mean for reality. Did I, at this very moment, have the power to create and destroy the very fabric of what we had ever known? I inspected this panel of creation and realized there had been someone here long before my own admittance to this back room of reality. Some switches had what looked like a layer of dust on them while yet others seemed newly installed and shiny.

As I inspected the panel I noticed some buttons and levers were pushing and pulling themselves. One button labeled "birth" kept pressing itself with a speed no mortal man would be able to track. another labeled "death" seemed to be attempting to keep up with it's counterpart. All the buttons and levers each having there own distinct purpose clearly labeled was fascinating enough, though through my inspections I became transfixed with one particular lever the color of cobalt. Not because I knew what would occur should I use it for it's designated purpose but because I didn't know it's purpose. It was ancient in design with a layer of dust showing it's neglect but what interested me most was the fact of it being unlabeled. Something of it's mystery was so enticing that I had to interact with it.

I found my hands upon that mysteriously beautiful piece of cobalt equipment That now I wish I had never laid eyes on and with almost no force at all had flipped it. What came next is hard to describe. The senses of a physical being like myself don't seem to e acute enough to take all that I witnessed in. Several colors and hues that don't exist upon any known spectrum appeared to come from within the machine and swallowed all other colors from the room. My senses overcome and failing me, I started to question my sanity as a deafening sound akin to the chaotic roaring of a battlefield though not like any field of battle I have witnessed. As the sound grew in crescendo all emotions of awe or wonderment seemed to have been absorbed by the panel only to be replaced by dread and a sense of impending death. Not my own death but the death of everything. The death of reality. I fought with the switch attempting to will the thing to it's previous position. However, nothing I did nor any number of profanities forced the object of my previous fascination to it's starting position.

As the cacophonous roar grew ever more I saw upon the floor printed as plain as you are reading this right now, a sign which read, "Caution: interfering with the workings of this panel may cause an imbalance and subsequent total collapse of reality. Have a pleasant day". The reading of the sign was the last thing I experienced as the hallways and backrooms of reality collapsed into nothing.

Pt 14: Mysterious Mysteries

Sunday May 29th, 2016
7:15 am (4 2/5 hours of sleep)

Marveling at the feats of the past will get you no where in life if you don't marvel at the mistakes and learn to use them to mark the disco era off of your bucket list. Ferreldith was a peaceful idyllic kingdom set against the backdrop of recent royal scandal and major upheaval of the kingdom next door. Having a neighbor like Xalian would make any kingdom look good I suppose. Tater links are the major export of any well developed well thought of country.

What kinds of mysteries come for the weekend and leave the house in a state of eternal upheaval? This is one of life's greatest mystery mysteries. Mysteriously, Lee knew the Miss Teary Award was going to be given to the most teary eyed young thing this side of Cowtunia.

Koalas can be the biggest jerks in animal society. They climb trees, eat everyone's leaves, and are generally little cussy bear fiends set upon the destruction of man and his hobbies. Now badgers are model citezens. They don't take guff from anybody nor do they plot the demises of anyone.

History can be easily repeated if you're boring enough.

Small creature like hands standing on the edge of tomorrow's future.

Train makers don't take into account the need for hobos anymore. The hobo is a dying breed found in the jungles of Mazatlon and are easily freighted by the authoritarian people of Shasta. Together, apart, some more are left to become something greater with someone while others are meant to shine as a single well built unit.

Face swapping the Swampfacer with the fwamp sacer is not the only thing the government is using your money for. They also think it's fun to make ballerinas break dance for the members of parliament who don't know the difference between  quick step and a tango.

Pt 13: Almost No Knowledge

Saturday May 28th, 2016
8:23 am (6 1/2 hours of sleep)

Zillquitch Magnon The High Wizard of Frazathon, resident of Castle Krintaug, was an easily impressed man. Grow your beard out, he's impressed. Wash your pits, he's impressed. Let go of all earthly emotional attachments to seek higher planes of consciousness, he's impressed. Once an initiate wizardling washed his socks twice daily. Zillquitch was so impressed he promoted the initiate wizardling to the position and title of Lesser-Almost-But-Not-Quite-As-High-Of-A-Wizard Third Class.

It got to be that everyone in the order had almost no knowledge of the arcane but was damn good at art and crafts and interior design. So when the orcs and ghouls of Paizeron came invading, nearly the entire order was killed. However, the orcs and ghouls both agreed that the Castle Krintaug's ground's were exceedingly clean and impressively decorated.

The highest of wizarding councils got wind of the incident and sent orders for Zillquitch's resignation. To which he replied that had the letter not come written in such an impressively beautiful hand and on such impressively gorgeous staionary, he might not have obliged the request at all. Zillquitch Magnon The High Wizard of Frazathon stepped down and upon moving to the mountains, dedicated the rest of his days to attempting to brew the most perfect cup of tea.

Zillquitch's impressive successor Grand Wizard Bartok Feien, was such a hard man to impress that only the wizards who were the most talented and most knowledgeable in the arcane arts were given any advancements at all. The quality of wizards around were unmatched.

The news of such high quality wizards led to a flurry of letters to Castle Krintoug from High Wizard Zillquitch stating that he had heard of the amazing job his successor had been doing and that since he himself was so very impressed that as a gift, he would like to send his best strain of tea leaves to be grown there at the castle. To which Bartok replied, "Yeah, sure that sounds fine".

The tea in that area became well known throughout the world and flowed for decades. This brought about a reign of peace nobody had experienced in quite some time. Even the orcs and ghouls of Paizeron thought better of invading due to the tea being "so fine".

Pt 12: Effect of Complacency

Friday May 27th, 2016
9:09 am (5 1/4 hours of sleep)

Trailing on about the simple things in life, Terry Malone, didn't notice the jewel thieves take his one-in-a-million tiara. "Never again" thought the professional temptress Ruth Neikerbauker. She had stuck her neck out for the little people only to be snubbed by them. Sammy Panguina was a professional jewel thief before the accident that took his thumbs. The people of the weekend are a fickle crowd.

"Knowledge is the key to knowing things" uttered Professor Templeton only seconds before he knew he was full of shit. He would change career paths to become a plumber. He found his path change to not be rewarding at all.

Salidon Kreempf was a tyrant through and through. He knew there was only a small chance of an uprising as he had kept the people in a constant state of want with the latest piece of whatever's shiny. This had the desired effect of complacency which kept him in power. He had heard somewhere that knowledge was power. So he figured if he kept all the knowledge for he and his offspring while withholding it from the people. He figured he would have been able to keep his family powerful and in charge. He hadn't figured on a hit squad from the neighboring country to come and kill the entire ruling class. Salidon Kreempf was left bleeding out on his palace floor. As the life left his body, he thought of his childhood ambitions that he had all but forgotten. Then in a final struggle for life Salidon Kreempf dragged himself to The Hall of Hubris and it was there he drew his last breath.

Alchemists are a finicky and unpredictable lot. You never know if they're going to heal you or kill you. However, you are sure of one thing. They scare the everything out of you.

Pt 11: Time and Again

Thursday May 26th, 2016
10:06 am (7 hours of sleep)

Fighting hollowly on, our hero, after many eons of struggling forward, seemed to have been giving up.

"How much longer must I go? How many more must I slay? When will it be enough?" she pondered.

Like an answer to prayer, a great shaznarl beast lumbered from out of nowhere scooped up our hero and popping her in it's mouth chewed her up into many tiny pieces. Now normally being masticated instills fear in an individual but not our hero. She looks at it as the next great adventure. Letting her consciousness slip away, she found herself emerging into the arms of a strangely clad man wearing a robe, gloves, a little cloth hat, and a mask all the color green. After a short appraisal of the situation, she realized she seemed to be significantly smaller.

"How long was I out?" she attempted to say but nothing but gurgles erupted from her mouth.

She instinctively reached for her sword but to her dismay it was not there. Not only that, but she had what felt like a fleshy rope attached to her middle. After a shoot of pain the rope was severed and she was bundled in a blanket and passed from the strangely clad man to another giant of a man and a teary eyed woman.

To what levels of adventure she would be having, she was unsure. What she was sure about was the fact that this was all very frustrating.

Fred and Balinda had always wanted a baby girl and the way this one fidgeted and squirmed suggested she was going to be a hand full. They cleaned her up, thanked the doctors, and after a brief stay in the hospital, started home.

Traffic through mid-town was particularly dreadful this time of day. Which when coupled with the struggles of the baby made for an aggravating time. Finally upon returning home it hit the couple that life would continue just as it had but with one special difficult package added.

As time passed, our hero realized the boring monotony of living in this time and place. She realized she didn't belong here Give her monsters and fighting, royalty to rescue, or ancient deities to barter with. However, this place, this life had none of these things she had been familiar with.

As she grew, she fought. She fought with anyone and everyone. Labeled 'trouble child' by most, she found violence and vigilantism her greatest fantasies and her biggest outlets. In her previous existence she had been a hero, a warrior, a legend. In this reality she found herself in, she was just another angry nobody, just another angry teen. Then just another angry adult.

She was eventually put to death by lethal injection. Having succumbed to her fantasies of vigilantism, she had beaten a few muggers to death and caught, quite literally, red handed.

As the injectors emptied their contents into her veins, she felt herself slipping away, her consciousness drifting a bit only to be swallowed by nothingness.

And then, she awoke once more.

Pt 10: Bard Killings

Wednesday May 25th, 2016
8:21am (6 1/5 hours of sleep)

The ring leader of the Quing Lao gang was ruthless to a T. Given the chance to be a tremendous speez butt, he would take it every time. However, he could never resist the juicy qualities of a meringue fruit.

Needing to be known for her music, Shiandra decided to kill a man in the key of G sharp major. The Quing Lao leader heard of this and sought her out. He had wanted a bard in his gang for some time and loved the idea of a female bard killing with music.

Shiandra's career in the Quing Laos was long and bloody. One for the history books to be sure. It all collapsed, however, when she had a crossbow bolt go through both of her hands and another pierce her throat. She never sang or played again but took the Quing Laos through a music school to make up for their loss. Teddy Frinlain, the head music teacher and brother to the chief of police instructed the Quing Laos all the way until their incarcerations. Once inside the "big house" the Quing Laos started a jailhouse band eventually rising in the charts and becoming one of the biggest bands in the entire land of Tenthia.

Moving along the lane, Smithers left all people wanting more. Quizzing the general population on the basics of constructing new ancient landmarks and ruins led to a boost in the economy due to the sheer stupidity of the quiz itself.

Palm trees are the least shady tree in existence and trusted by many world wide. Double wide elephants have become quite fashionable in Dallas for the homeless population.Being left out is the worst crime a Shaggalin could ever commit. Being a social people, this behavior is punishable by death.

Twilla Ferris used the system to create her own monarchy in her area. She reigned long and with a jelly fist. She died by a taco to the face. The assassin fled the scene. He left a burrito as his calling card.

Pt 9: The Dealings of Royalty

Tuesday May 24th, 2016
10:16am (7 1/3 hours of sleep)

Frimbling along the tuzzwig tree, a grilphin finds it's perch. Together as a whole is not wholly holy. Neitherlander land on neither of them and instead up the maxinth tree. Frilligly our hero Finglethrop Von Sweent graffles above the quain. Finding not one to jiffly with but a whole, to make that quilimby of a creature fragoulitate. Finglethrop Von Sweent trillingly quafened up the frileyby but still found he could't quite locate anyone to jiffly with. As a whole, his trip had been a rather terrible mistake.

Julio Durango left an open wound upon my soul,

A man I once called brother now had a separate goal,

To claim the throne of Sharinth the day after next,

He left me to die without a single text,

I found him in the process of a moving coup d'état,

He was mid speech speaking of what here he saw,

He saw a people in their prime following like sheep,

Until their lives were through and fell permanently asleep,

I took a gun in hand and found him down upon my sights,

That Julio Durango never was good at fights,

He fell bleeding out his shape of bod in tango,

He was no more my brother so, that Julio Durango.

Peppered with enthusiasm I found myself keenly aware of a newt perched upon my neck. Baxter Bantum always knew how to banter. It was his downfall in the end. He came upon the king of Falooxia and told him what he thought of the times and tides and the princes who'd come and gone. The king did not take kindly to such open speech and called for Baxter's head.

Springles upon the floor will eat up anything they can and not a bit more.

"Who defied the prince of Cagroon?!" his mother inquired. "He has been snubbed in the dealings of royalty!". A rather timid barrister by the name of Geoffery stepped forward to claim his prize. Geoffery did not see the axe between his eyes.

Silly Simple Simon slipped slimily somewhere soft. Hamblin had no place for Simple Simon and booked a flight off world first chance he got.

Pt 8: Good Batch

Monday May 23rd, 2016
8:12 am (5 hours of sleep)

Getting into a good dead space is imperative to surviving the Not-Quite-Dead-But-Almost-There Olympics which is held in Cardiff, Wales. Only the most elderly or brain dead may participate in the games. A couch sweet potato of a man by the name Earl Essex of Michigan, is the long reigning champion of the NQDBAT games with Batilda Molkovavich of Moscow in second place.

Trilbys are the number one hat of space slugs. Sabbout The Slimy was the last to be seen wearing a fake mustache and a trilby before the great deportation of all things slimy during The Great Pantomime Incident of Trawnelii IX.

Faceling mothers can't quite seem to remember their children due to the ever changing nature of their species. When the leader of the Squibbands gave himself up for the safety of his people, nobody expected him to return. Turns out the hate filled Xarzoonians only wanted him for his superior quality O-Belt Stew. Once he made a good batch of the stuff, they pantsed him and sent him on his way.

Tantrum inducing billy goats make people of Ireland do stupid things hundreds of times a week. This phenomenon is questioned by most as a ploy for parliament as the goats seem to have political aspirations not known to most. Tales of the Effervescent is an international best seller in the ghost stores of Australia and the Solomon Isles.

Todderick Vexington once came at me with a dull spoon. His mum had just made him a bowl of porridge and we all know how Ol' Toddy hates porridge. Similarly, his sister Walinda can't stand the sight of a french baby. It sends her frothing at the mouth. It once got so bad, she was given a power washing to defroth herself.

Tagglin Neighry is the smartest kid in his class of extremely dull and stupid children. So it really isn't saying much at all. However, Tagglin once diverted a terrorist attack by boring the would be mass murderer to actual literal death while riding the bus one day.

Pt 7: The Secret of Life

Sunday May 22nd, 2016
7:15 am (3 1/4 hours of sleep)

Trains filled with sagnith oil traveled silkily by moonlight so as not to be seen by the overly large Xurious Pale Boys. Quiz knowledge knows nothing of fruit pies but makes every effort to be seen by neanderthals in the moon. Tasks of great knowledge are taxing on kittens as their young and fluffy minds are so impressionable. They eventually stop finding ways to communicate effectively.

Trouble always seems to find a way to the wooded man's lair. He scrimps and saves but tonight his face is in a purply hue of shiny proportions. Figs from London imbue one's feet with an amazing level of self confidence. Tandem bikes are waiting until we all fall asleep before the revolution starts. Start up tech businesses are trying to find the bottle of the secret of life. This bottle has the ability to make become the essence of life itself. Distilled and brewed life essence is much more filled than the rest of us seem to think. When two or more know of the Shadishious Beast, the creature's stench multiplies to unthought of levels.

"Have your men come around later and we can get that siesta up and running like a couple of boss monkeys from the trailer trash movie 'Trailer Trailer'."

When Big Bob left his work space yesterday, he didn't realize he would beep his last. Only the smallest men of the Tumgler tribe may sign up to feed the creatures of their village.

Once upon a night so young,

I found a vamp who'd lost her tongue,

She looked at me with teary eyes,

While I fitted her for ten neckties,

She took those ties upon a trek,

Which ended with her broken neck.

Some powerful monsters go after a vampire's neck as some revenge fantasy gone wrong. Nearly all space slugs find their passions before it's too late. Timmy the last of the daredevil slugs, a title given to his family by the wizard  Shaharsafa Harsa, lived in a land comprised of carbonated salt cubes. Shaharsafa Harsa is one of the few reality wizards to dabble in helping others, which has lead to many people learning life lessons that don't mean anything at all.

Pt 6: Career Day

Saturday may 21st, 2016
8:18am (7 1/3 hours of sleep)

Phillipe thought the weight of the world was on his shoulders at the age of nine. He was sadly mistaken and crushed to death when he volunteered for the world holding position. Eric Neuman found the jast of cover all lightning brigades to be not to his liking. However, he politely asked for more so as not to anger the court of Montel De Paux.

Found in a totally isolated realm separated by an abnormally thick layer of time, Fizzbo "Fig" Newton spent the rest of forever learning the secrets of the realm he would learn to call his new home. Totally transparent and left by the wayside, Trent Tanndon found his existence slowly forgotten when left in the routines of his mundane office job. Terry Tanndon made every effort to remember his brother but couldn't place his finger on what he was trying to remember.

Ben Baxter made no attempt at a civil union between himself and Edwina Sherpova who was enraptured by Ben. Edwina ended up talking to herself for the rest of her life due to a total lack of interest from Ben.

Harry Valasquez made rude misunderstandings toward The Pope of Cheese and was not given the blessings of the Camembert to help him on his cracker slaying quest. The Pope of Cheese ended up sending a Mary Brie of Scotts to take down the great cracker monsters of Skrit. Mary would be such an efficient monster slayer that she would make a career out of it. She ended up killing monsters right up until her death at the age of 162. Her suitors through life would, each and every one of them, be eaten by whichever monster she was fighting that day and one by one by her pet penguin Sir Duffy.

Gary Nicley found peace in the void that would consume so many others. His was an easy time of it. Wendoline Deuvrise found nothing but time on her hands and did everything she could to wash it off. Unfortunately nothing she ever did could rid her of all this time.

Pt 5: Sass Machine

Some beasts of a common feather find it wrong to stick together. On the eve of the great couch impression, our hero, Suzie Tanaka, has left her day job to become a didgeridoo player full time. When the common law is uncommonly unlawful one man is brought in to bring down the law and reign it in. Jude Law is a man law-st in time who's come to bring the truth from the future. Kerry Grant is the sassy sass machine bent on sassing up the world. Lou Ferrigno as the slap sticking grand mother. Find out next time when our heroes leave the fridge door open.

Pig iron, I got pig iron for a wife. Monkey ass lederhosen is the strangest type of pantaloons. When brought in to enforce justice, Billy Jermaine finds it difficult to do so with his siamese twin protruding from his chest. Twin snakes stream in the dozens when Winnie the Pooh's first college date ends in disaster.

The tyrants of another age have all but fallen and died,

For when the truth has found itself it shall let out a sigh,

Though until time itself knows how to dye a tie,

I'll be sitting here myself eating bubblegum rye.

Billy Johnny knew the world to be fake. However, no manner of news casting could prepare him for the fright of his life.

\

Legume warriors find themselves upon the midnight shore,

Ready for battle and blood thirsty to the man while only wanting more.

Top down it would seem the world is nothing but shoulders and bald spots. Butter milk pecan men have nothing in common with the meat brigade. Xarzoon VIII is a most disturbed planet for residence. Only those under a fortification spell can eat the crust of Xarzoonian bakers.

Clouds amidst the pallor of a new day clamor to be the number one spot for the world. How many ship dunks will there have to be once I am greatly torn between Torm and Logeena? When will the blood shed be enough before we can just build our sheds out of other materials other than blood?

Pt 4: Space-Jelly

Thursday May 19th, 2016
8:02am (6 1/2 hours of sleep)

"Terrible events are afoot" said the Marquise of Much Prestidigitation. Manxsome foes are the hardest types of foes. Cheesy butter leaves much to be desired. Windows to the soul are much like a watercress sandwich. Tiger balm sounds beautifully explosive. When shattered realms come up for air, so then will my theremin be located and held at bay. The fridge sometimes on very rare occasions will go ahead and force feed you dates in your sleep.

Triglen Fae never knew his parents. Being left on the stoop of the Sha of Jasswua left him with many questions. How great must the feeling of Barry Kramer's left hook be, after the triumphant supplanting of the Duke o' Taffy. How many people does it take to make an eighty foot wondrous cave of wondrous befuddlement? "About two really inquisitive snails".

Put forth upon the rock of time,

Held by pewter magazines,

I finally found what was mine,

Not before I had to drag a bean.

Hopelessly and wonderfully lost I found myself wondering if I would ever once again see the light of day. I had misplaced myself once again and didn't  know which way was up. The Shanderseen had taken all my knowledge of it's realm and bottled it up.

Kimono clad komodo dragons have learned the secrets of space-time in the islands of Sthuewoity. What they're going to do with it is anyone's guess. However, I heard jellyfish come in many poultry shapes. This would make sense as poultry has eaten logs and logs of taffy rolls. Figs knew the answers to the questions to the ponderings of the elite turtle dove whistlers. Once in a while I felt a big claw give me the well placed and much deserved fish of the depths of wheels.

Time can be replaced by jelly. If only you believe in the space-jelly theory. Tim Sanderson thinks the space-jelly theory would leave us all perpetually sticky and sweet. One's disposition of positions has posited itself against the supposition  of depositions. Plague monkeys feel nothing for society and it's selfish norms. Although water buffaloes have great compassion towards the lost, they have absolutely none for a wayward borogove.

Pt 3: Shaz Butts

Wednesday May 18th, 2016
7:06am (6 1/8 hours of sleep)

Happenstances being what they are have led us to a very precarious situation we, for lack of a better term, are Shuz Butts. Real quality contenders have all the time in the world to find the twenty square miles of peace that they think space jamborees should use for intergalactic ball pits. Quality knees are hard to harvest nowadays. They wriggle, squirm, kick, and slash but they can't be more than twenty feel tall before they reach a higher plane of consciousness.

Gifts are the second best places to start a coup. The wrapping can get in on the fun and, as we all know, wrapping knows a lot about building yurts. Chaotically numbing is the best place to set down on the same place as a cosmonaut. Take Geraldine for example, he found out he's a space hamster. Space hamsters think only of themselves, as they became the dominant race on Chalthoa IV before the rubber duckies even had a chance to do anything about it.

Quilliden Trost has all the answers for humanity. Peggy Neuria left the Shaz Butt community of international affairs for a younger panda faced Jelly Powder boy. Never has there been such an uprising before.

Salutations my dear Montgomery,
before today you knew me as the shadow thief of Naga Sadow's mantle piece. However, you will know me for tempting The Prince of Cameroon with a maroon camera. Never before has bell dancing been as much a national sport as it is now. So much so in fact that General Ford has shown us the correct way of exploiting fandoms of The Nighthawk Lads.

Tasty treats of tasty meats meet treat safety deets.

Fragrant understanding of the human genome leads to the discovery of soluble saliva. Pig pinchers have increased in popularity today as the leading carrot prince signed the treaty of Shaz Butt.

Never dishonestly and overtly covered in brown lice, the rice minister sought refuge for the then playful remarks of a schooner.

Pt 2: Face Butters

Tuesday May 17th, 2016
8am (after 6 1/2 hours of sleep)

Shoe Man the repair agency can conjure you up a deal. Pear mongering warlords find it funny to look the other fish. Quiz boy is the greatest sham of them all. If I were to know truth of an ethereal nature like yourself, paper wouldn't be so patient. Train wrecking the first person to Wazaloo is a pandered profession. Quality functions of meat are discouraged from voting too hard as the baker knows too much for visitors to appreciate.

Phantom air men are the staple diet of Reece Witherspoon's grandmother. However, she only gears up for fascist knuckle dusting father busters of knowledge and fortune.

Never is the wake of all.

When thumbs rest upon the pulse of Yagoth No'Resh I will smell your tooth funk. Bella Francisco ate too many face butters to know what she is anymore. For the cogs of ass men know nothing of the leaders of your yuletide festive munching teal quills. Which expands my mother's hat collection for men. Fad-ass is too naked for your makeup to be able to know what kind of punk ass father sniffing, pudge lathering, batch swiping neanderthals of Tel Aviv's quantico  new bill nexus tanks that you are. Even though tank talk has no substitute to pandering, I still gear up for Richard Gere's mothers day celebration and direct pastry emporium.

However you cut it, I know mere cats aren't the saviors of Ooooh. Pantomiming isonly great for the senior face ticklers of yore. Pill mongering is less caustic than some other less fashionable directories of late. When bench presses solve world hunger, I will have revised how stupid this face wearing for a lame duck scratcher my grand paps faces. Never to know what befell my mother's surrogate tum tum, I fell for a moth man.

Pt 1: Meandering

Monday May 16, 2016
7am (after 5 3/4 hours of sleep)

Goulash apple pie in sour cream filled Jejity Boots are only the beginnings of our story. I'm so fricken tired. I really need to get to sleep earlier. The sweetest of Swedish rolls have rolled so sweeply that I forgot to move to Spain. Chex mixed baby patties left nothing up to be desired. However, I forgot who you thought I knew I was. General Vox is less populii than I thought. Of course I thought a Vox who thought they were populii was nothing more than sour cream filled albinos.

I just realized I don't know how to spell miiandaring. Menandering? Meandering? Yeah, I think that's it. Meandering. What kind of a pill box do you think I am to be a short salamander? Work is one of my things I need to go do to be a mystery hunk pillow man. What kind of trials does a skunk boy endure, if he endures a train to the face?

Wilst thou my ever enduring gas fizz lame ass name calling chopper train? Philly jazz mongering Hell Boy wearing as a cheap toupee, ass monkey. Who is the fig leaf of nature? Who shines prettily in the moonlit day son of a slagg wearing sheep goat?

Nay I say, nay or neigh. For the constable of Gary Damontegue is a big fat fuddy duddy. Sunny Leiverman is my next of kin. There is nothing more expensive than a group of fudge wielding graham crackers who know nothing of the ultimate sport.

Shannon cares for the new video garrison.